![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Its been stressful lately. Suffice it to say, when the major stressors kick in, I don't have time for certain things, one being blogging.
With money and relationship bumps and jostles, things are starting to get back on track.
To be completely honest, I've been working on the "me" project lately, getting behind the scenes to review some of the recent events that have shaped my emotional experience for the past several months. I'll just lay them out, then do a reverse chrono discussion.
First, my friend John and discovering that he cyber-stalked women via World of Warcraft. Second, realizing I had a problem with curbing my spending tendencies (and with recent insight, that my father has the same problem. Go fig.). Third, the stresses of married life, combined with my not feeling all that great about my spending habits, and k's several months of intense study time.
Starting with married life, I've been feeling a bit adrift. Its not terribly intense or overly important, but when your partner has an immense obstacle to overcome, you realize how much energy in reserve you have. I think I've done well, but its been difficult, and rough emotionally to be in that place of "disconnect" for an extended period. Luckily, that period is over for now, as K has taken her state board. Add on top of that disconnect, my feelings of failure over not keeping track of my spending, and some backlash which that incurred, and I have been less than chipper the last few months. Gaming and caffeine have kept me sane and occupied. Thankfully, with the state board obstacle out of the way, and my money woes nearly defeated, I can get back to a better balance of chemical reactions in my brainpan, and back into being very happy with my partner.
The first, my friend John's cyber-stalking activities, being one that I am having trouble letting go of. When I first discovered his issues, I pitched an insane fit. It was not the best use of my energy, but I was furious. Suddenly, several personal experiences with a past girlfriend, where her ex-boyfriend was stalking her came tumbling back into my emotional palette. Even a few situations where I physically had to interfere on my little sister's behalf with some verbally abusive fucks at high school came to mind. That was all there, causing me rage. In fact, it is still causing me rage.
The main problem I am facing now is that two of my friends are continuing to hang with John. Which leaves me feeling doubly betrayed. Of course, neither of these friends understands the experiences I have had dealing with stalkers before. In my convoluted mind, I see them colluding with John, and somehow agreeing with his behavior, which in part is true. There's always reasons why people choose to socialize with emotionally-fractured individuals.
To be forthright, I am hoping that by casting this out into the ether of internet, I can find some closure. I still feel John has yet to be punished for his actions, as I have had the opportunity to exact punishment in the past, whether through verbal coercion or physical intimidation. I know I could break him physically, and that I am quite capable of doing it emotionally, but it would be like punishing a dog 10 hours after it had knocked over the trashcan to get at the scraps of steak inside. He hasn't any concept that this type of behavior is inappropriate, and still contends that a great "injustice" was done upon him when I exposed his actions to our small circle of friends.
I don't think justice exists in this world. Justice is entirely too subjective to be universal. Vengeance is a real quantity though, and as much as I want to travel down that path, its only more pain and regret for me, while the point of it would be entirely lost upon the perp. Truthfully, the woman whom John was stalking most recently was dumb as a bag of bricks, and basically asked if he would be super creepy to her. Doesn't make his actions appropriate, but it certainly explains why he feels justified. Is that really a cause to rail against? Nope.
There's always reasons why people choose to socialize with emotionally-fractured individuals. I know my reason was that he was weak, and it made me feel strong. He was the perpetual victim of life, of luck, of whatever was going wrong for him. And I was a counter point, self-juxtaposed to appear grand when contrasted with the self-imposed misery that is John's life. There's no strength in that. Its a lie, and I am glad that I don't have to be apart of it any more.
With money and relationship bumps and jostles, things are starting to get back on track.
To be completely honest, I've been working on the "me" project lately, getting behind the scenes to review some of the recent events that have shaped my emotional experience for the past several months. I'll just lay them out, then do a reverse chrono discussion.
First, my friend John and discovering that he cyber-stalked women via World of Warcraft. Second, realizing I had a problem with curbing my spending tendencies (and with recent insight, that my father has the same problem. Go fig.). Third, the stresses of married life, combined with my not feeling all that great about my spending habits, and k's several months of intense study time.
Starting with married life, I've been feeling a bit adrift. Its not terribly intense or overly important, but when your partner has an immense obstacle to overcome, you realize how much energy in reserve you have. I think I've done well, but its been difficult, and rough emotionally to be in that place of "disconnect" for an extended period. Luckily, that period is over for now, as K has taken her state board. Add on top of that disconnect, my feelings of failure over not keeping track of my spending, and some backlash which that incurred, and I have been less than chipper the last few months. Gaming and caffeine have kept me sane and occupied. Thankfully, with the state board obstacle out of the way, and my money woes nearly defeated, I can get back to a better balance of chemical reactions in my brainpan, and back into being very happy with my partner.
The first, my friend John's cyber-stalking activities, being one that I am having trouble letting go of. When I first discovered his issues, I pitched an insane fit. It was not the best use of my energy, but I was furious. Suddenly, several personal experiences with a past girlfriend, where her ex-boyfriend was stalking her came tumbling back into my emotional palette. Even a few situations where I physically had to interfere on my little sister's behalf with some verbally abusive fucks at high school came to mind. That was all there, causing me rage. In fact, it is still causing me rage.
The main problem I am facing now is that two of my friends are continuing to hang with John. Which leaves me feeling doubly betrayed. Of course, neither of these friends understands the experiences I have had dealing with stalkers before. In my convoluted mind, I see them colluding with John, and somehow agreeing with his behavior, which in part is true. There's always reasons why people choose to socialize with emotionally-fractured individuals.
To be forthright, I am hoping that by casting this out into the ether of internet, I can find some closure. I still feel John has yet to be punished for his actions, as I have had the opportunity to exact punishment in the past, whether through verbal coercion or physical intimidation. I know I could break him physically, and that I am quite capable of doing it emotionally, but it would be like punishing a dog 10 hours after it had knocked over the trashcan to get at the scraps of steak inside. He hasn't any concept that this type of behavior is inappropriate, and still contends that a great "injustice" was done upon him when I exposed his actions to our small circle of friends.
I don't think justice exists in this world. Justice is entirely too subjective to be universal. Vengeance is a real quantity though, and as much as I want to travel down that path, its only more pain and regret for me, while the point of it would be entirely lost upon the perp. Truthfully, the woman whom John was stalking most recently was dumb as a bag of bricks, and basically asked if he would be super creepy to her. Doesn't make his actions appropriate, but it certainly explains why he feels justified. Is that really a cause to rail against? Nope.
There's always reasons why people choose to socialize with emotionally-fractured individuals. I know my reason was that he was weak, and it made me feel strong. He was the perpetual victim of life, of luck, of whatever was going wrong for him. And I was a counter point, self-juxtaposed to appear grand when contrasted with the self-imposed misery that is John's life. There's no strength in that. Its a lie, and I am glad that I don't have to be apart of it any more.
Tags: